If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Thursday Thought.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Pretty much. 🤣
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Never forget.