My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
What if the weather talks about us?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
when someone compliments me
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I saw this ending much differently.