my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
yeet
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.