If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
You Might Also Like
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]