In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂