Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
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If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.