Livid.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
If only.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.