Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I am crying
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*