Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
You Might Also Like
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
this article brought to you by lions
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
i love meeting boys on tinder
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.