What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity