I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.