I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I’m going to need a moment here.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.