me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Goodnight 🐶
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still