It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Holy moly
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market