[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Bless you
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.