Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.