The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I’d … I’d rather not.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently