Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The first matador
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
A double negative is a big no-no.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*