6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit