Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
for all #parents out there
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers