“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing