I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.