My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
plant them where lol
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Just got to our Airbnb!
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great