Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time