Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*