A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA