White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
You Might Also Like
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Meanwhile in Canada…
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.