I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.