My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Goat cheese is for herders.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now