An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.