A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
You Might Also Like
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
“you changed” bro i was 15
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.