I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
You Might Also Like
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.