only 11 steps left
You Might Also Like
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Awwwww shit.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone