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Story of my life…..
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.