Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
a lot to unpack here
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
can’t talk my ride’s here
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?