[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
🤣😂🤣
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.