GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
This could’ve been an email.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words