I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
it’s a van. how do they not know this
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand