Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
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I can’t wait!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Cats (2019)
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*