There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
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9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Now, where’s the sport in that?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.