100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis