I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
this has done me in for some reason
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
This is my bus stop.