I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.