You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
This is a whole mood;
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar