Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
No chill.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week