My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
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if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
philosophical skeletons be like
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Cardio Made Easy
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?