I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.