Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Autocorrect completely socks
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.