My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The Punning Dead.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.