I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two